On letting videogames go
I'm starting to get the nagging feeling that videogames have been a net negative in my life. I'm not trying to generalise here, this is purely my personal experience. And it's also not a fully formed thought, I'm just verbalising it to see if I can get some insight.
⚠️ You can skip this next paragraph
Videogames have been a significant part of my life. I remember playing educational MS-DOS games with an eye-patch at 4 years old because I had a lazy eye (and was very myopic from an early age). I remember playing Wolfenstein and Prince of Persia with my dad. I remember playing Duckhunt. I remember the Christmas we got a Megadrive (that was my "Nintendo Sixty Fooooooooour!" moment). I bonded with my best friends over beat 'em ups (mainly Double Dragon and Ninja Turtles) and Pokemon (Gold/Silver hit me at the right age). I remember the freedom of GTA III. I remember spending all my savings on a PS2 with Final Fantasy X. I remember playing the shit out of Game Boy Advanced roms on a shitty PC, mainly Advance Wars. I remember that time I broke an ankle and Dragon Quest VIII came out and that was all I did for weeks. I can probably still play some Guitar Hero songs with my eyes closed (Texas Flood by Stevie Ray Vaughan was my go to). I remember downloading the original pixel-art Spelunky from a forum. I remember playing the Minecraft beta and freaking out about the immensity of it. I remember getting my first job and realising that I could afford a Nintendo 3DS (Fire Emblem Awakening was my jam). I remember playing Mario Kart Double Dash on Gamecube with my flatmates in Den Haag religiously after dinner. I remember the first time I heard the Persona 5 soundtrack. I remember getting the Switch with Breath of the Wild on launch day. I remember that flower delivery quest on Hollow Knight. I remember my build the first time I beat Hades. I remember drawing Factorio designs on paper. I remember mastering Overcooked and Streets of Rage 4 during COVID, playing online with a friend from Argentina with a ridiculous amount of lag. I remember watching every event waiting for the Silksong announcement. I could do this all day.
⚠️ /end of unnecessarily long list of examples
I want to say that I've loved videogames for more than 30 years of my life, they've shaped my personality for better and for worse, I have so many fond memories with them, and I still feel like I need to let them go. They are not a problem in my life today. As a married man, father of one and a homesteader I barely have time to play. It's just that whenever I play these days I feel empty, indifferent, like I could have done something better with my time. And the more I think about it, the more I feel like I wasted a significant chunk of my life with them. Obviously there are happy memories, I could write 10 more paragraphs like the one above, but what about the memories I didn't make because I was alone, inside, levelling up a Blastoise, learning to do T-spins or fine-tuning my copper wire production line to meet the circuit board demands of my factory? And what do I have to show for it? Think of all the girls I could have talked to and get rejected by, all the football games I could have played and sucked at, all the books I could have read, all the stupid shit I could have done. I would have stuff to show for all of that. I remember saying no to going out with friends to stay at home playing Chrono Trigger for the nth time. Even recently I've sacrificed precious sleep time for one more Slay the Spire 2 run. I don't want to be that person anymore, and for the first time in my life I'm aware enough to feel like it's in my power to change that.
I always thought I was going to be a Cool Dad that plays videogames with his children. Now that I am a father, I want my son to spend as much time with other people, in nature, exploring and creating stuff as possible. And if I don't want videogames to be a significant part his life, they can't be a significant part of mine anymore.
I've learned recently1 that addiction is about being in control of a moment that changes your state of mind. I see now that videogames are that for me, a very elaborate excuse to solve a puzzle to make a bunch of numbers go up, press a button and POOF, I've levelled up and now there's a new set of numbers to make go up some more. I don't deny the artistic merit nor the technical achievement of videogames, but these days they feel hollow to me. And I feel I've been holding on to them due to the massive sunken cost of all the good memories I have.
Now, I know it doesn't have to be all or nothing (a recovering alcoholic might disagree). I know it's possible to have a healthy relationship with videogames. I know there are beautiful narrative games that aren't about numbers going up. I just don't think it's worth the effort to fix my relationship with videogames nor it's worth the risk of my son developing one like mine. I know in my heart that I could sell my Steam Deck, read books, go for bike rides, drink coffee with friends, play board games with my family and my life would be objectively better. And as sad as it makes me feel to let them go, I think it's what I have to do.
💬 Thoughts? Email me a comment
☝️ very interested in talking about this